Kiss My Culture

I Found a New Word: Procrasturbation

Almost similar to its parents - procrastination and masturbation - procrasturbation is a child of insignificance. Inheriting the y (pronounced as “why”) and x (pronounced as “xxx”) chromosomes from procrastination and masturbation respectively, procrasturbation is a hybrid of the worst found in its parents’ character traits.

Contrary to popular and ignorant beliefs, procrasturbation is not the digression or delay of one intended need to masturbate. No. Procrasturbation happens when important things are put on hold until the point of no return.

Refusing to go to the dentist when you are in extreme pain and your tooth is as good as dead, taking your time to finish that article when your editor is no longer breathing down your neck but almost eating it and considering to fire you, and not texting that girl you liked because you’ve lost your balls, and almost end up not liking her (and yourself) anymore; these are some of the effects of procrasturbation.

Procrasturbation is a virus. Once the host is infected, the virus will spread. Prime indicators include a prolonged time spent on doing nothing significant while immediate actions are recommended to be taken on important issues.

Though the specific cause of procrasturbation is relatively unknown, self-research (done by yours truly) have concluded that though one knows that important decisions are to be made and made consistently on a particular issue, one doesn’t and choose to take actions on other things that are of lesser importance.

Things like opening a bag of chips and munching a handful and carefully opening another immediately to do the same, are examples of taking action on things of lesser importance. Other examples include, going out for a walk at 3 in the fucking morning, rearranging furniture to face things like the sunset and drawing complete objects and shapes that will end up in the bin.

It is determined that procrasturbation takes place between inaction and action. However, many have argued and debated that procrasturbation is a needed driving factor towards action. This theory has been enforced by segments of right-wing, radical procrasturbators, whom have however been disclaimed by a minority group of people who actually do something with their lives.

The procrasturbators call this a forced will, where they will still end up doing what they were supposed to do in the first place whether an external force riles them on to do it or not. External forces could be a parent, an editor or a bulldozer. It doesn’t matter.

Procrasturbators (since they have a lot of time in their hands) also call the forced will a kind of rubber band-effect. The further they are stretched into the abyss, the harder they will bounce forward to make clear and decisive actions. This also works in the opposite direction. The further they are stretched into making clear and decisive actions, the harder they will bounce forward into the abyss.

Famous procrasturbators includes your friends, siblings, relatives, yourself and Tim Burton.

Powerful and famed dignitaries have tried to perturb procrasturbators from being idiots. Benjamin Franklin said, “You may delay, but time will not, and lost time is never found again.” Martin Luther said, “How soon not now, becomes never.” William Shakespeare said, ”Defer no time, delays have dangerous ends. Napoleon Hill (the writer) said, “Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”

Such profound advices that means only one thing: get off your ass.